i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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