Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
