that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
