I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I skipped work to stalk him.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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