i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He shit in the fireplace
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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