i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
two words: eviction party
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
