then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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