My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm like, not good at living.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
