I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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