Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
