So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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