I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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