oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
