You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
