I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
