Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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