My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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