Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
