sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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