I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
