I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
