I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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