things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
