Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
