when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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