omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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