I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
