...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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