I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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