Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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