apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
