Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
