rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
