dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
