I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
