giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
