I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
