Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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