so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
