I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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