hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Randomize
