the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
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You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
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I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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