I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
