Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
