This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
