On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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