i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
