I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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