I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
