you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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