i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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