I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
