splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
As shirtless as possible
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
