where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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