He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
