my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
