just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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