i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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